Delusional: When I Lost My Mind in Love

By Candi Usher

He gives you little pieces. Just enough to make you think he loves you. Enough to make you think that he's a certain person. Like a spider, you're in a web, wrapped in the deceit of words that never match the actions. You believe that he would never hurt you. You're just wrapped up in his "love". Smart you find is that you're tied into his mess. His unhealed heart. His family issues. You realize you're paying the price for his past, his anger, his abandonment, his mental state, his emotional loss, his detachment. You're trying to cut yourself loose, but the more you fight, the tighter the web gets. Others try to cut you out, but he makes sure they can't get close enough. He controls the strings. No matter what he does wrong, it's your fault. Your only fault is that you feel in love with a version of him that was a facade. It never existed. One day though... you realize what you need to do to be free.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lulu.com
• Release date: Feb 10, 2024
• ISBN: 9781304630469

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Copyright Information

Revise Copyright Information

Title Delusional: When I Lost My Mind in Love

Contributors Candi Usher, Nicole Murphy

ISBN 978-1-304-63046-9

Imprint Lulu.com

Edition

Edition Statement ( / 255)

-

License

All Rights Reserved - Standard Copyright License

Copyright Holder

Candi Usher

Copyright Year

2024

Table of Contents

Introduction

Year 2

Year 3

Year 4

Year 5

Year 6

Year 7

Year 8

Year 9

Year 10-12

Year 13

Year 14

Year 15 and the End

Epilogue

Daily Affirmations

Love Letter to My Exes

Questions to Ask Yourself

Introduction

I was delusional.  My heart belonged to him without him even trying much.  I thought he loved me.  I felt I could change him.  But he didn’t love me like he claimed he did.  His mouth said one thing, his actions another.  I intentionally blinded myself to what he was doing.  He had hurt me before, but I had forgiven him.  I ignored his actions, thinking my love could do enough to make him want to be different.  One thing about a man who is allowed to keep doing wrong is that he will never change.  Sometimes, we allow people to keep us in a box we were never meant to fit in.  We love with our everything, yet we’re giving our love to the wrong person.  You can love the right way, but the wrong person.  I was delusional in ignoring myself to almost my detriment and demise.  Oh, but the discoveries I made.  Want to hear about them?  Join me on this journey of former delusions, and the healing and freedom from saying no more.   

That though the heart is breaking, happiness can exist in a moment also. And because the moment in which we live is all the time there really is, we can keep going.

-Zora Neale Hurston

*To be clear, this book does not go from the first of the year to the end of the year.  It goes from June 14, our wedding date, to June 14 of the next year.  Thought you may need a little context so you don’t get confused.*

*This is a true account of events.  Certain events were left out due to privacy and protection.  The same goes for names.

*If you want to tie the entire story together, you can read I’m Still Standing Here and "My Forever Angel"

Year 2

So…to find the story of how we met, you must read my book My Forever Angel.  I’m not going to relive that part, because technically that was Year 1.  Year 2 will deal with what happened after that.  Year 2 started on June 14, 2009.  I was getting ready to get out of the military.  My time was almost up.  I had gotten in trouble for lying about finding some stupid special paper for an award to be printed (I looked for the paper, asked who I was supposed to ask, and I did what I was supposed to do).  Someone was receiving an award in my office, and I was asked to pick up the special paper the printed award was being given on.  I was called a liar and a whole lot of other things.  I was sent to Captain’s Mast (like going to see a judge).  The whole debacle was crazy and I didn’t understand why I was being accused of something I didn’t do. 

I didn’t care anymore once I was found guilty.  One thing about it, I had just gone through something extremely traumatic.  I had just lost a whole child.  I had just buried him a few months before.  Did they care?  No.  I blame myself for not walking away from my husband and the Navy.  I should have asked for a medical retirement, but I thought I was stronger than that.  I was stupid.  I went through the whole system and was still called a liar when I explained that I wanted to stay and why.  I gave up.  Then my husband said he called and pleaded for me to be able to stay in.  Yet I was told no one in my Navy office received a phone call.  Strike twenty of however many at that point with him.  I had to come up with a plan for when I was out.  I was willing to work a job, but I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom.  With the way his jobs were, with more of his jobs being temporary, that wouldn’t be possible.  So I started job hunting.  That was an absolute disaster.  The only jobs that wanted to hire me were looking for someone to do sales and marketing, and I didn’t want to deal with people anymore on that level.  I wanted to give up so bad. 

Amid it all, I still wanted to have another child.  Stupid, I know.  I wanted to try again in my marriage.  I didn’t want it to be a failure in yet another marriage. I put my everything into it.  I forgave him for what happened before.  I wanted my son to have a family.  So we tried again for another child.  I’m not going to lie though.  I lived in a huge fear.  I worried that the same thing that happened to my second son would happen again.  At the same time, I was scared to talk to a doctor about it beforehand.  I knew how the military would look at me.  I didn’t want them in my business like that, as they had already failed me once.  I would never give them that chance again.  My heart wanted another child too.  I knew that baby would never replace the one I lost.  I was still broken over that. 

I finished my time in the military, realizing that we now had to find a place to go.  We moved in with his mom for a little while, but that was not the place to be, as we had already lived with her before and wanted to continue indepently living on our own.  We moved into a hotel until we could find a