Humble Yourself, Heal Yourself: Life Lessons and Survival Tactics to Overcome Narcissistic and Emotional Abuse

By Laetitia Black, B.A., J.D.

This is a self-healing book about behavioral therapy. It is a personal account of the narcissistic and emotional abuse I experienced from my parents from childhood to adulthood. There are ten chapters depicting specific examples of my trauma and the Life Lessons I learned at the time.

I believe the people who will benefit most from this book are those who are or were the victims of parent-child narcissistic abuse. In my community, we do not discuss or address mental illness or forms of therapy that may contribute to good mental health. The end result is that those toxic patterns of behavior permeate generational lines. This book is for those suffering in silence. Those who are the "strong ones." Those who put on a happy face for the public but are suffering at home. The ones who are successful in their work life but struggling in their personal life. When we fail to recognize that normalizing and rationalizing our abusers' behavior has detrimental effects on our state of mind, we also do not recognize the red flags that show up in our dating lives, work relationships, and friendships. Narcissism is a personality disorder, so it shows up no matter the gender, race, or relationship. Your best defense is to raise your awareness of narcissism and other personality disorders and increase your discernment so that you are prepared for their manipulative attacks. I formulated 35 Survival Tactics based on my life experiences with toxic parents and relatives that have aided in my self-healing journey.

This book will also be useful for those religious persons who have had religion misused to support their abusers. The pivotal point in my life was reading the complete Bible for myself and the realization that God had given both parents and children commandments to abide by. We are taught as young children in church to submit to our parents, but those parents are ones who are honorable, respectable, and emotionally/spiritually mature. Toxic parents are exempt from this category of parents, and are not owed the same loyalty. Disobedience to one's parents is another stigma that has to be challenged. You are entitled to set boundaries with your toxic parents and stand up for yourself when facing abuse. It will save your life!

My book was an act of faith and confirmation of God's purpose and mission for my life. This was an extremely difficult task to sit, recall, and reflect on the emotional abuse inflicted on me from childhood to adulthood at the hands of the people I loved the most. I never had the courage to share my experiences as they were happening, but I realized that my healing came from sharing my experiences. My journey to self-healing led me to the place I am now. God placed it on my heart to share my story of redemption in hopes that it would be an inspiration to those in similar circumstances. I want readers to know that fear of isolation or loneliness is no justification to stay in a toxic relationship. Not everyone you lose is a loss. There is newfound freedom in unburdening yourself from your abuser. Embrace this transformation!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Newman Springs Publishing, Inc.
• Release date: Jun 21, 2024
• ISBN: 9798890617460

Book preview

Table of Contents

Title

Copyright

Inspiration

Introduction

Character Traits of an Empath

Character Traits of a Narcissist

When I Was a Child

When I Put Away Those Childish Things

The College Years

The Law School Years

Losing My Religion but Gaining My Career (2002–2012)

The Impact of Hurricane Katrina (2005)

Home Sweet Home (2010)

The End of an Era (February 11, 2012)

From the Incubator to the Cocoon (2012–2014)

The Lone Star State of Texas

The Revelation (2014)

A Brand-New, Humble Me (2015)

Working on My Purpose (2016–2019)

Humbled and Healed in the Process (2020–2022)

The New Normal: COVID-19

Allons a' Lafayette: Welcome to Cajun Country

Survival Tactics to Overcome Narcissistic and Emotional Abuse

Afterword

References and Works Cited

Recommended Resources

About the Author

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Humble Yourself, Heal Yourself

Life Lessons and Survival Tactics to Overcome Narcissistic and Emotional Abuse

Laetitia Black, B.A., J.D.

Copyright © 2024 Laetitia Black, B.A., J.D.

All rights reserved

First Edition

NEWMAN SPRINGS PUBLISHING

320 Broad Street

Red Bank, NJ 07701

First originally published by Newman Springs Publishing 2024

United States Copyright Office Registration Number TXu 2-416-970

ISBN 979-8-89061-745-3 (Paperback)

ISBN 979-8-89061-746-0 (Digital)

Printed in the United States of America

Under no circumstances will any legal responsibility or blame be held against the author or publisher for any reparation, damages, or monetary loss due to the information herein, either directly or indirectly.

Legal Notice:

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Disclaimer Notice:

Please note that the information contained in this document is for educational and entertainment purposes only. Every attempt has been made to provide accurate, up to date, reliable, and complete information. No warranties of any kind are expressed or implied. Readers acknowledge that the author is not engaging in the rendering of legal, financial, medical, or professional advice. The content of this book has been derived from various sources. Please consult a licensed professional before attempting any advice or techniques outlined in this book.

By reading this document, the reader agrees that under no circumstances is the author responsible for any losses, directly or indirectly, which are incurred as a result of the use of the information contained within this document, including, but not limited to, errors, omissions, or inaccuracies.

Inspiration

The inspiration for this book came from an epiphany I received from God on New Year's Eve, December 31, 2014, while in Dallas, Texas. By this time, I had successfully escaped the physical grip of my narcissist. I sold my home in New Orleans, Louisiana, closed my downtown business, and moved to Dallas. But this was just the beginning of my transformation. I had mustered up the strength to physically separate from my narcissist but detaching myself emotionally was going to take work. God had given me three things to accomplish during this epiphany: publish a book to inspire others coping with emotional abuse, start a nonprofit organization to raise awareness of women's health issues, and obtain a real estate license to launch a real estate management venture. I started my nonprofit organization in 2016 and obtained my real estate license in 2018. I left the process of publishing this book for last due to the emotional strain of reliving past hurt and the length of time it took to self-heal.

This epiphany was the second major one since I had been baptized as a teenager. The first epiphany changed the trajectory of my initial career goals and laid out a framework, which spanned from 1992 to 2015. I had come to the end of God's first plan for my life, and I desperately sought guidance on the second half of my life. Clearly, God was not through with me. I had been taught as a young Christian to learn God's purpose and mission for my life. God revealed his purpose during the first epiphany when I was a young, eager teenager. I learned that my gift was in being of service to my community. Later, I expressed it as a love language. Now after my biggest accomplishments to date, I felt depleted. I had been betrayed by the person I loved and admired the most. I wanted nothing more than to wrap myself in comfort and hide away from the world. I did not want to face the reality of my circumstances. Despite my efforts to escape a generational pattern of abuse that plagued my family for three generations, I had succumbed to the same behavioral structure. I believed I was in a successful mother-daughter relationship, but I had been deceived and misled.

The bond between a mother and daughter is one of the most important and impactful factors influencing your life. But if your mother does not have the emotional and spiritual maturity to handle God's favor in your life, then there can be emotional trauma to your mental health and well-being. As an empath, I am a natural giver and fixer. I want to help those in need, nurture the sick, and resolve life's problems. Unfortunately, an empath is a target for those with toxic and narcissistic traits.

I believe the people who will benefit most from this book are those who were the victims of parent-child narcissistic abuse. It is told from my point of view and personal experiences. It is a review of specific incidents that reveal the narcissistic traits through my life. The ones who truly understand this type of abuse are the ones who have gone through it. In spouse-spouse narcissistic abuse, you can divorce your narcissist. Although divorce was frowned upon by society, it has become an acceptable way to free yourself from any form of abuse. But there is no equivalent of divorce when attempting to free yourself from your abusive parent. It is not only frowned upon but uncommon in society to disassociate yourself from a parent. A great concern for the abused child is the stigma of exposing the mental disorder of that abusive parent. More pressing is the fear of isolation and loneliness. Every year, there are constant reminders of the fact that you do not have a successful relationship with your parent. How do you handle Mother's Day, Father's Day, birthdays, holidays, and vacations?

But I have good news for you. I do not want to spoil the ending…but you will survive! You will survive after you separate from them. You will thrive after you liberate yourself from them. Your survival techniques will inspire others.

Introduction

Have you ever found yourself on the impacted end of mind-numbing, heart breaking, and unforgiving pain? The type of pain that shocks your nervous system, jolts your body, and hurts you to the core. And in your embittered state, the only sensible reprieve is isolation. But during that period of isolation, your mind constantly reflects retrospectively to the warning signs and multiple events that culminated with the fatal stab to your heart.

Whether you are a spouse hurt by your spouse, a child betrayed by your parent, or a brother disappointed in your sister, the common thread in the relationships is that the perpetrating party is someone within your core value system. They are someone you allowed into your private space, a trusted individual who knew your secrets and insecurities but used them to their advantage.

Are you still harboring ill feelings toward those persons who hurt you? Has it been days, weeks, or years since you addressed the pain? Well, dear one, I am here to testify and bear witness that if you humble yourself before God, He will heal your wounds and allow you to turn that pain into His purpose. The act of holding on to that pain stems from pride. By surrendering the pain and submitting to God's Word, you will be healed.

I have written this book as a message to all those who may have experienced the pain and humiliation of emotional abuse similar to what I suffered at the hands of those who were dearest to my heart, those who had taken unapologetically from me, and sought to reap the benefits of the blessings God had sown in my life.

In this book, I will draw on personal experiences within my family, friendships, and career. The book is told in retrospect because as we know, hindsight is twenty-twenty. My intent is not to embarrass those who caused the pain but rather to spread the message of spiritual healing to a national audience. My hope is that those who are in toxic relationships will take the journey to self-help, and those who are inflicting the emotional abuse seek professional help.

As a brief dedication, I would like to thank those angels on earth who came into my life on my journey to self-healing and those who became my most precious family.

I humbly pray that God continues to use me as a vessel to help His people and be a witness to His good works. I am eternally grateful to God for His grace and mercy. To God be the glory for the transformation in my life.

Character Traits of an Empath

The Oxford dictionary defines an empath as a person with the paranormal ability to apprehend the mental and emotional state of another individual.

Empathy is the capacity to understand or feel what another person is experiencing from their frame of reference, or the capacity to place oneself in another's position. Descriptions of empathy encompass a broad range of social, emotional, or cognitive processes. Types of empathy include cognitive empathy, emotional empathy, somatic empathy, and spiritual empathy.

Empathy has two major components: emotional empathy and cognitive empathy.

Emotional empathy is the ability to respond with an appropriate emotion to another's mental state. Our ability to empathize emotionally is based on being affected by another's emotional or arousal state. Emotional empathy can be subdivided into the following scales:

Empathic concern: sympathy and compassion for others in response to their suffering.

Personal distress: feelings of discomfort and anxiety in response to another's suffering. There is no consensus regarding whether personal distress is a form of empathy or instead is something distinct from empathy.

Cognitive empathy is the ability to understand another person's perspective or mental state.

The terms social cognition, perspective-taking, theory of mind, and mentalizing are often used synonymously, but due to a lack of studies comparing theory of mind with types of empathy, it is unclear whether these are equivalent.

Cognitive empathy can be subdivided into the following scales:

Perspective-taking: the tendency to spontaneously adopt another person's psychological perspectives.

Fantasy: the tendency to identify with fictional characters.

Tactical (or strategic) empathy: the deliberate use of perspective-taking to achieve certain desired ends.

Compassion and sympathy are terms associated with empathy. A person feels compassion when they notice others are in need, and this feeling motivates that person to help. Sympathy is a feeling of care and understanding for someone in need.

Someone with low empathy may have trouble connecting to other people's circumstances. They may believe that a certain event would never happen to them or that they could handle the situation much better. Because they feel this is the case, they won't be able to understand or feel the other person's distress.

Health conditions related to a lack of empathy are classified as sociopathy, antisocial personality disorder, histrionic personality disorder, and narcissistic personality disorder.

Sociopathy is a mental disorder causing dysfunction in thinking, perceiving, and relating to others. They lack remorse for their actions, and they act in ways that show no regard for others. Symptoms of sociopathy may include lack of empathy, cheating, manipulation, deception, and pathological lying.

Antisocial personality disorder is a mental health disorder characterized by disregard for other people. Those with this disorder may begin to show symptoms in childhood, but the condition can't be diagnosed until adolescence or adulthood. Symptoms of antisocial personality disorder may include antisocial behavior, manipulation, and irresponsibility.

Histrionic personality disorder is a mental health condition that affects the way a person thinks, perceives, and relates to others. Genes play a role in the development of this disorder. Abuse or instability during childhood also may increase risk. Symptoms of histrionic personality disorder may include a desperate need for attention, talking dramatically with strong opinions, being easily influenced, having rapidly changing emotions, and thinking relationships are closer than they are. People with this disorder use their physical appearance inappropriately, seductively, and in provocative ways to gain the attention of others.

Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental disorder in which a person has an inflated sense of self-importance. Symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder may include grandiosity, arrogance, a sense of entitlement, manipulative behavior, disregard for others' feelings, the inability to handle any form of criticism, and the excessive need for admiration. The cause is unknown but likely involves a combination of genetic and environmental factors. Treatment can help, but this condition cannot be cured. It requires a licensed medical diagnosis. It is chronic and can last for years or be lifelong.

Character Traits of a Narcissist

WebMD defines narcissism as an extreme self-involvement to the degree that it makes a person ignore the needs of those around them. While many people may show occasional narcissistic behavior, true narcissists frequently disregard others or their feelings. They also do not understand the effect that their behavior has on other people. A narcissist is a self-centered individual who has an excessive interest in their physical appearance and an excessive preoccupation with their own needs, often at the expense of others.

It's important to note that narcissism is a trait, but it can also be part of a larger personality disorder. Not every narcissist has narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), as narcissism is a spectrum. People who are at the highest end of the spectrum are those who are classified as NPD, but others fall on the lower end of the spectrum.

People who show signs of narcissism can often be very charming and charismatic. They often don't show negative behavior right away, especially in relationships. People who show narcissism often like to surround themselves with people who feed into their ego. They build relationships to reinforce their ideas about themselves, even if these relationships are superficial.

Narcissistic parents often see their children as extensions of themselves and encourage the children to act in ways that support the parent's emotional and self-esteem needs. Due to their vulnerability, children may be significantly affected by this behavior. To meet the parent's needs, the child may sacrifice their own wants and feelings. A child subjected to this style of parenting may struggle in adulthood with their personal relationships. In extreme cases, this parenting style can result in estrangement and abandonment, coupled with feelings of resentment, and in some cases, self-destructive tendencies.

Historically, narcissists do not seek help since it doesn't fit the self-image they have of themselves. They may need the encouragement of a loved one to help them seek out professional help.

Signs and Symptoms of Narcissism

The core symptoms of narcissism include grandiosity, excessive need for admiration, superficial and exploitive relationships, lack of empathy, identity disturbance, difficulty with attachment and dependency, chronic feelings of emptiness and boredom, and vulnerability to life transitions.

Types of Narcissism

While there are several characteristics of narcissism that may be seen in any of the types of narcissistic personality disorders, narcissists are generally labeled by the behaviors they mostly display.

Classic Narcissism Personality

This type of person with narcissism tends to thrive on the admiration and praise of others. These people generally believe they are more special or more valuable than other people and crave being the center of attention. These people tend to use others for anything that fits into their goal or agenda and become easily offended if others try to deny them anything they think they deserve.

Seductive Narcissism

Just as the name suggests, this type of person does whatever they can do to make you feel good about yourself, at least at first. These people may appear to admire you and may even idealize you, but their main goal is to make you feel that way about them so that you can be used to further their agenda. When these people no longer need you to compliment or stroke their ego, they may leave you and move on to a new target.

Vulnerable Narcissism

Contrary to the name, this type of person is not vulnerable. They are very good at playing the victim act. They seek attention by trying to get pity from others. These people are very manipulative. Their behavior is often so subtle that it can be difficult to see the warning signs. A person with this type of personality tends to use their ability to manipulate the feelings, thoughts, and behaviors of others to help fuel their ego. If you let them know that you see through the self-pity act, he or she will likely act hurt or offended and then move on to another unsuspecting target.

Covert Narcissism

When you think of someone with this personality type, think of a covert or secret military operation. It is planned, calculated, and generally comes as a surprise. This is exactly how a person with covert narcissism acts. This person uses guilt-tripping and emotional manipulation to get what they want. They usually belittle their partners and deprive them of physical or emotional needs until they get what they want. When someone with covert narcissism does get what they want, they will then show affection or buy gifts to gain more control over their partner. They are very good at masking their manipulative personality so that it is not detected by others. They come across as charming and use that charm to seduce and manipulate others.

Grandiose Narcissism

The person with this personality tends to see himself as more influential and important than anyone else. People with this personality may exaggerate their importance and brag about accomplishments to elicit your admiration or envy. Someone with this personality believes that they are destined to do great things. They are very driving and charismatic, often drawing the attention of others, which is what feeds their all about me personality.

Malignant Narcissism

This is someone who is incapable of showing any level of empathy or compassion toward others. People with this personality are often called sociopaths or psychopaths. They are very manipulative and often exploit friends, peers, and family members for personal and/or professional gain. A person with malignant narcissism is very controlling of the people in their lives and puts forth strong efforts to isolate their victim or target. They rarely feel guilt or remorse no matter how much pain they cause others. They may also enjoy causing pain to others. Watching people struggle and feel oppressed gives them an opportunity to play the hero and then set a victim up to be hurt again.

Vindictive Narcissism

If you challenge a person with this personality, they will do everything they can to destroy you. Someone with vindictive narcissism may gossip about you to your friends and try to break up friendships. They love to play the victim to bosses and try to get their targets fired. If you are married to someone with vindictive narcissism, don't be surprised if they try to turn your children against you. Unfortunately, these people are very good at hiding their true nature and intentions from others. Therefore, if you suspect that someone you know has vindictive narcissism, try to distance yourself as soon as possible. Further, protecting yourself legally may be the only recourse you have when dealing with a person with this personality. Save emails, texts, and other communications that can prove the person is harassing you or trying to harm you. While this may seem a bit extreme to some, once the damage is done, it is often difficult to undo it. Preparing and protecting yourself is important.

The Narcissist's Enablers

Enablers are the people who support the narcissist, defend the narcissist, fight for the narcissist, and people the narcissist recruits to take their side. These are the people who might not agree with or defend all of the narcissist's actions but who enable the narcissist by putting up with their behavior, rescuing them, or bailing them out of the problems they manage to create. These are the people who say things like, She's your mother, you need to forgive her, or How can you abandon your husband when you know he has problems? or I would give in to your sister to keep the peace. Narcissists usually have enablers in their family, such as a partner, parent, child, or sibling. People become enablers of narcissists for different reasons: from misguided care-taking, to self-doubt, to fear, to a desire for power. Often they become enablers gradually without understanding their situation. Enablers see abusive dynamics in a relationship as normal because they grew up with demanding, selfish, neglectful, or abusive caregivers. They may come from narcissistic homes or other environments in which they learned to subjugate their needs and feelings, such as in service to an alcoholic or mentally ill parent. Enablers may delude themselves into thinking that they alone can understand the narcissist. The narcissist may also manipulate the enabler through trauma bonding.

Enablers versus Flying Monkeys

Flying monkeys are enablers who also perpetuate the narcissist's abuse on targeted victims. Like the flying monkeys in The Wizard of Oz, they assist in the narcissist's dirty work and carry out abuse by proxy. Often children or other relatives in the narcissistic family, flying monkeys may be narcissists themselves. There is a fine line between enabling and acting as a flying monkey. Often enablers cross that line to avoid being targeted themselves or because they are invested in believing the lies that justify the narcissist's abuse of others, particularly scapegoated children. For such children, the betrayal of the enabler may be harder to accept and forgive than that of the narcissist because the enabler is the safe person who should know better.

The Narcissist's Common Tactics of Manipulation

Gaslighting

Psychologists use the term gaslighting to refer to a specific type of manipulation where the manipulator is trying to get someone else to question their own reality, memory, or perceptions. Some examples of gaslighting are, You are just being overly sensitive, or I never said that.

Love Bombing

This is when someone overwhelms you with affection, adoration, gifts, and love in order to gain control of your behavior. They will lavish you with gifts, give you constant praise and adoration, or want to be in constant communication with you.

The Guilt Trip

In this instance, the person may point out their own efforts and where yours have fallen short. They make sarcastic or passive-aggressive remarks about a situation. They give you the silent treatment. They use body language to show their displeasure with you.

Negging

This is when a person tries to manipulate you into feeling bad about yourself. They give backhanded compliments. They compare you to other people. They're always just joking when you call them out on something. They insult you under the guise of constructive criticism. They disguise insults in questions. They make you feel bad for voicing your concerns by minimizing their mistreatment of you.

Hoovering

This takes place when a narcissist attempts to win a person back. This is comparable to the love bombing stage, in that the narcissist may employ similar tactics. In these cases, they feel as though they might be losing control over the other person or want to get them back on their side.

Emotional Blackmail

This is a dysfunctional form of manipulation that people use to place demands and threaten victims to get what they want. The undertone of the emotional blackmail is if you don't do what I want, then you will suffer and regret it.

Projection

When someone is unable to handle their negative feelings or acknowledge their bad behavior, they may project them onto someone else. In these cases, the recipient is accused of doing the very things the individual is doing themselves.

Playing the Victim

A narcissist will often play the victim after engaging in harmful or vengeful behavior, turning any sympathy and attention onto themselves.

Scapegoating

The manipulator will subject this person to constant negative treatment and blame he/she does not deserve.

Smear Campaign

This occurs when a narcissist creates a web of lies or exaggerations in order to discredit and isolate a person. This is typically done publicly and to anyone who will listen—the victim's friends and family aren't exempt.

The cruel end result is that the victim is left with limited support, as their loved ones believe the lies spread against them. When they try to report the abuse, they are treated as if they are the ones causing the problems.

When I Was a Child

Life Lesson: God will shield you from evil and evil-doers. You will be blind for your protection. As a child, you are innocent of the ways of the world.

My mother is the eldest of seven siblings, with five brothers separating her from the youngest sister. She was the product of a primarily single-parent household and had the task of supervising her siblings while my grandmother worked various jobs as a licensed practical nurse (LPN). My mother followed in the footsteps of my grandmother's career path and also became an LPN. However, neither my mother nor grandmother had the sensitivity of Florence Nightingale.

My father is the ninth child of twelve siblings, having three older sisters, but is the elder of younger brothers. My father is the namesake of my grandfather. Each of the siblings was a year to two years apart. My grandfather worked in the labor trade and earned sufficient income to allow my grandmother to be a housewife while raising their children. As the primary disciplinarian, my grandmother was responsible for the daily activities and interactions of her children. She often made a distinction between those children who had characteristics similar to herself as opposed to my grandfather. My grandmother would compare the behavior and accomplishments of her children and, later in life, her grandchildren to one another. My aunts and uncles would routinely challenge me about the schools I attended, the clothes I would wear, and/or the grades that I received in comparison to others in my generational line. Many of my cousins have preconceived rivalries among us as well.

My parents met when they briefly attended the same middle school. But once they reconnected in an Uptown New Orleans neighborhood, they formed a relationship. My father routinely had to fight for my mother's attention as she was much sought after. This was not an issue for my father as he took pride in showing his machismo. My father's ease of exposing his bravado also drew the attention of female cohorts. This was not an issue for my mother as she had a practice of wielding a sharp tongue that quickly cut down the competition.

Despite the fact that my mother was raised by a single mother and my father was raised by both parents, my parents were bonded by codependence. They each were having difficulty coping with dysfunctional patterns in their families. My father's family originated from northeast Louisiana. With my father's generation being the first to be raised in a major city in south Louisiana, image was really important. My mother admired the appearance of the two-parent household in which my father was raised and shared his desire to replicate a two-parent household.

My mother's family originated from New Orleans, but my grandmother was the only one of her siblings raised by her grandmother in rural Alabama. My great-grandmother was a teenager when she gave birth to my grandmother, so at the time, it seemed to be in her best interest. However, my great-grandmother later had several other children who remained with her in New Orleans, and she never reclaimed my grandmother. My maternal grandmother was also emotionally detached from her mother and siblings. As a result, my grandmother always felt estranged from her family. This affected my maternal grandmother's style of parenting.

I shared a birthday with my grandmother, and she was always kind to me. I looked forward to our birthday because she provided me with the attention, affection, and praise that I wasn't receiving at home. Contrary to my mother, she showed me more love in private than in public. I saw her as a woman who had overcome a number of obstacles in her life and had done her best to provide a good home and raise her children. I often suggested to my aunt and uncles that they be more understanding of her parental choices and be patient with her as she resolved the inner turmoil of her childhood. My mother and her siblings would disagree with me on this issue. This disconnection among the family made holiday gatherings uneasy and uncomfortable.

Given these issues, my parents shared a common goal of raising their children better than they were raised, even if only in appearance. My parents made a point of teaching me that our family business stayed within the home. I was raised to believe that children were seen but not heard. I was raised never to question adult authority or decision-making. And since my minimal needs were taken care of, I never doubted my parents were doing what was best for me. I was not raised in an affectionate home, so I was unaware that my emotional needs were not being nurtured. I did not experience or witness unconditional love, so I did not know how to identify that type of love. I believed it was normal for my parents to treat me better outside the home than within. In private, my parents would yell at me and demean me, but in public, they would acknowledge my accomplishments and praise me. I learned to normalize the hypocrisy.

My parents had very traditional roles. I looked to my father to be the provider of the home, keep it secure, and be a handyman around the house. I looked to my mother to also be a provider of the home, ensure healthy home-cooked meals, and take care of my daily physical needs. However, both of them were emotionally unavailable. We had established roles and a routine in the household. Their parenting style fell into the do what I say, not what I do category. Each parent had a type A (Alpha) personality. My mother was a selfish individual with a fiery tongue. My father was a self-centered individual with a fiery temper.

Despite the differences in my parents' upbringing, my parents agreed on the fact that our home was a private place. I believed that this created a close-knit bond in our family. I believed that I was part of the family unit. My parents often complained about the rivalries with their siblings. My father was angry that his elder sisters and younger brothers received more attention and support than he did. He acted out in his youth and was considered a juvenile delinquent. My father often engaged in verbal and physical altercations within the family and at work. Despite my father being considered a troublemaker, his siblings often called on him when they were in trouble or confronted by a bully. He often shared stories from his childhood that caused me a level of concern. Given his background, I feared making him angry but was also protective of him with his siblings.

My mother was angry that she was tasked with the duty of supervising her younger siblings. She believed that it robbed her of a childhood. She also believed that her younger siblings received more attention and support than she did. She, too, would share stories of incidents where she came to her siblings' rescue, both verbally and physically. Given these experiences, I also feared making her angry.

My parents warned me against being too friendly with people. As a young child, I often hugged people who were displaying pain, sadness, and fear. It was how I expressed my empathy for them. However, my parents were harsh in their reprimand of me. They discouraged me from showing this form of affection. They told me that I could not trust anyone besides them. As a result, I learned to mistrust everyone. It was us against everyone else. I learned that no matter who inquired about details of our household, I would not reveal anything. I believed that it would be a betrayal to both of my parents.

My mother monitored all of the communication I had with my relatives. At any point in the conversation, I would see my mother and be met with an intense stare. If she noticed that I was engaged in conversation for an extended period of time, she would question me about the details of the conversation. Once we got home, she would ask me to recite the conversations line by line. Then she would criticize me about my role in the dialogue. Her tone when asking me to recite the conversation was cool, calm, and collected, but the criticism came in the form of a mean and harsh tone. This made me extremely self-conscious and nervous when relatives would talk to me. My replies became minimal. Already an introverted child, this method of communication with those outside my family circle became the norm. I was not allowed sleepovers at family or friend's homes, and conversely, no one was allowed over to our home. As a result, I had very few friends during my childhood. I was cordial with neighbors and classmates but not completely socialized for extensive relationships. My parents taught me that my family substituted as my friends.

As a child, I remember my mother wanting me to reflect her. She molded me to be a miniature version of herself. This came very easy because I had similar features and mannerisms, and many people would routinely call us twins. She made every decision involving my daily routine. I later realized she used this as a way of controlling me. There was little to no emotional attachment in her decisions. Any affection shown came with a condition. Her focus was on my exterior appearance and a need for perfection. When I was under attack because of my physical appearance or any other thing under her control, she would either be protective of me or blame me depending on my ability to attain her perception of perfection. I would almost hold my breath awaiting her reaction. This teeter-tottering of emotions caused me severe anxiety throughout my childhood.

I believed she expressed her version of love through the attention to detail she placed on my appearance and accolades. Oftentimes, I wanted to be hugged, coddled, praised, nurtured, and to feel safe in her care, but I never did. I later realized she was incapable of showing that form of affection. When I would hug and kiss her just because, she would barely reciprocate my affection and call me sensitive. When I watched mothers and daughters embracing one another, sharing intimate conversations, and spending quality time together, I was moved with emotion. When I would cry while watching a television commercial or dramatic movie, she would call me emotional. She would also tell me that those scenes were scripted and false, in an effort to tug on your emotions. While it was easy and natural for me to relate to and share the emotions and pain of others, my mother viewed those emotions as weakness. I later learned that she was void of the ability to understand the feelings of others, so instead of accepting the deficit as a flaw, she would deflect and categorize it as a weakness. She had convinced herself there was no necessity for those emotions. Ironically, my mother would force me to watch Feed the Children or Feed the Hungry shows of starving children in third-world countries. When I became emotional watching those shows, she would respond, See, things could be worse for you. You should be thankful for what we do for you. The only time I received gifts from my parents were on my birthday and Christmas, despite them making personal purchases each pay period. My parents convinced me that we had everything we needed in our meager home. Since I did not visit my friends' homes and seldom visited my cousins' homes, I did not have a reference to compare my home to. My first recollection of our family home was a duplex rental in the Carrollton neighborhood. Then we lived in a couple of apartment complexes in the New Orleans East neighborhood. But my parents eventually purchased a modest 2-bedroom, 1-bathroom, 1200-square-foot home in a Gentilly neighborhood. It was sparsely furnished with functional and secondhand furniture. However, my mother concealed the lack with an abundance of indoor plants.

In addition to my lack of social life, neither of my parents had close, personal friends. The closest relationships I saw were ones with work colleagues. My father often formed rivalries with his colleagues, so most relationships were short-lived. The only colleagues who maintained a relationship with my father were the ones who overlooked his flaws. They were either older than my father or just more emotionally mature. On the other hand, my mother concealed her personal life with her colleagues. She loved engaging them in conversations about their personal lives but would become combative whenever they inquired about her personal life. Many times, I overheard my mother laughing about the fact that many of her colleagues were unaware of the fact that she had children. She saw it as a strength that no one knew anything personal about her. She believed that revealing personal information to colleagues exposed you to potential harm and could be used against you. The only times I can recall visiting their colleagues' homes were on select holidays. Before entering the homes, I was warned by my mother not to look overly impressed by anything they had. But the contrast was stark in comparison. Their homes had plush furniture and were fully decorated throughout. Their children's rooms were also well-furnished and overrunning with toys and decorations. Their children were actively involved in a number of extracurricular activities, as evidenced by the awards, trophies, and banners proudly exhibited in their rooms and throughout the house. It was easy to feel inferior in comparison to them. As we would leave their homes, my parents would openly discuss personal or physical flaws about their friends.

Early on, I took notice of my parents' sadness. Each of my parents had resting mean faces. My mother had developed a squint and scowl, and my father developed a frown and tightened mouth. I would try to do and say things to cheer them up or arouse laughter. I found the best success with doing a dance I saw on TV or repeating a joke I heard from a comedian. My parents prohibited me from watching anything rated PG-13 or R, but I noticed that those films got the biggest laughs or reactions from them. One day, I repeated one of those jokes to my parents, and to my surprise, it resulted in a punishment.

My father seldom used physical punishment on me and, due to his work schedule, was not home to inflict daily punishments. However, the most memorable incident where my father used physical punishment was when I was approximately five years old. I had a favorite toy, a Big Bird, and while we were at a store, I was playing with another toy. My father told me to return the toy to the shelf because he was not purchasing it for me. I continued playing with the item and put it on the Big Bird. Afterward, I started playing with another toy and forgot that I placed the other item on my Big Bird. I returned the second toy to its shelf and walked away. We checked out, and once we got to the car, my father noticed that I still had the first toy. I could not comprehend how angry he was until he started yelling at me. My mother was present and also started yelling at me. They claimed that people were going to think they told me to steal the toy and questioned what people would think they could not afford the toy. I was frozen with fear. Before I knew it, my father had removed his belt. Because he was working part-time in security at this time, he had a large leather belt with a heavy multi-prong buckle. He grabbed both of my hands, causing me to drop my Big Bird and the toy, and lifted me above his chest. With the other hand, he struck me multiple times. The only way to describe it is to think of a person hanging a floor rug on a laundry line and hitting it with a broom to deflect the dirt and dust. I screamed and cried as both the belt and buckle hit my skin and limbs. I tried to get loose from his grip, but after several beatings, my body went limp, and one of my shoes came off. I could hear other customers pleading with my father to stop, but he did not stop until a customer threatened to call the police. My mother laid my limp body in the back seat of the car, and my father drove erratically home. When we got home, my mother tended to my wounds and only got angry when she noticed the broken skin on my face, arms, and legs. I thought that she yelling at my father out of concern for me, but it was actually out of concern for the scars being visible.

My mother routinely used threats, fear, and physical punishments to motivate me to do her will. She later decided to use psychological punishment when she was concerned that her nursing license could be